Refocusing From Show Jumping to What’s Beyond

I sat in the opening circle at the Horses and Leadership workshop led by Ariana Mazzucci at her Sky Horse Academy after weeks of resistance about attending. When it was my turn to introduce myself  I heard myself saying  that I’ve been on a bridge to retiring from show jumping and I am ready to step off to see what’s next. I’d been waiting for a sign, something external to nudge me in the right direction. There it was. I heard myself say it. I was amazed that this is what I had come to explore.

My equine partner, Wonder, has been trying to tell me but I have been unable to hear it. Last Fall he and I were eloquently navigating our last medal final of the year when he abruptly stopped at the 3rd to last jump. I was shocked, embarrassed, and frustrated. I must have miscommunicated but why couldn’t he just take care of me? Why couldn’t we have our glory? We circled around and completed the round beautifully but the season was over. I  was disappointed and retreated into an off-season fog. Beneath the surface I could hear myself asking, “Was this how my career was to end?’

Wonder was speaking to me but I could barely hear him. We moved from the show barn to a friend’s lovely barn close to my home and continued to ride and train with no specific goal in mind. I took charge of his care and management.I became his only rider. I focused on day to day life with him and have really enjoyed this expanding version of our relationship. But when the winter circuit approached, I was sad. I wanted to go, to be included, to have that amazing feeling of “home” when approaching the first jump in the show ring. But I didn’t have the gumption to make it happen. I kept asking myself if I was retiring or taking a break. The in-between state continued and the horse show urge got quieter. But it did not silence.

Then, last week, I attended Horses and Leadership. Ariana’s five quarter horse herd showed me my angst when I don’t have control, my natural ability to connect with others, and my timid willingness to be with the unknown. In my personal round pen session my equine mirror Sky, a Palomino gelding, showed me that the change and clarity I seek happens in baby steps – not all at once. He followed me as I walked to the far edge of the pen but he stopped periodically and allowed space between us for long minutes at a time.

The next morning in the circle I heard myself say that I have retired from show jumping. It wasn’t a dramatic or explosive realization. It was just a fact and felt like a calm, embodied truth. Hearing myself say it aloud was powerful and made it real. Knowing this opened me to other important shifts I want to make in my life. I had a full body relief and my exhales felt full!

I am done with that delectable chapter because there is so much more for me to learn from horses. I was unavailable for these teachings when training and competing because it was all encompassing. In this new setting horses offer me more reflections about my life and work balance, my relationship style, how to slow down and sense like a horse. As I step fully into this chapter I still love and cherish horse shows and the competitors who seek support from me. I cherish my decades in the show ring and the equine partners that made it possible. Now I can be more fully present for my clients who are fully engaged with competition and the life that it requires. 

I am quietly stepping off the bridge of confusion onto the solid ground of my next chapter. I hereby release my horse show self and embrace my inner horse girl who will learn and grow with horses forever!

Today Wonder and I had our first session in the round pen. We are learning about leading and following together. We have no agenda, just time.